I’ve done some form of yoga or another for about 7 years. I even taught yoga in grad school. But it wasn’t until I began doing yoga at Bikram Yoga Stockton, that I feel like a truly discovered what yoga was all about. Bikram Yoga is the most effective workout I’ve ever done–it includes 2 sets of 26 postures in a room heated to 105 degrees. It is so effective that I have given up running and I don’t even miss it (although I still fantasize about completing a full marathon).

Not only is it physically beneficial, but it is also mentally beneficial. It has helped me let go of my worries, fears, and stress. It brings me back to what really matters. Sometimes, I’ll be in a situation that I don’t know how to resolve and in the middle of a yoga class, without even thinking about it, the solution comes to me. I am a better friend, daughter, wife, and educator due to my dedicated yoga practice. I half-joke that when I have my mid-life crisis, I will give up librarianship and become a Bikram Yoga instructor.

When I found out about my imminent open heart surgery, I felt pretty helpless and scared. Bikram Yoga was a way for me to gain some control over my life. In a previous post I discussed how it helped me “train” for surgery. On the day that I went under the knife, I was still scared, but I felt ready.

When I got home from the hospital, I was surprised by how weak my arms were and how little I could move them. It was incredible how small things–such as lifting a glass of water or lying down in bed hurt so much. I don’t think a day went by when I didn’t tell my husband, “I wish I could go to yoga!” I finally felt good enough to return to yoga about six weeks after my surgery.

My first class was pretty painful. I had forgotten how many postures require you to keep your arms over your head. I also got nauseous about midway through and had to sit down for awhile. But the heat and the stretching felt so good. And my heart kept up just fine.

After about a week or so of returning to yoga, I stopped taking pain pills. I was able to easily “lock” my elbows over my head (a key component to several postures), which was impossible on my first day back. It was amazing to feel my body open up and to see my body recover so rapidly. Sometimes when I’m in the Bikram Yoga “torture chamber” it feels like I never left–like those six weeks of surgery and recovery were all just a dream.

The pain isn’t 100% gone and I expect it will linger for a few more months. It’s especially bad when I unexpectedly yawn, cough, or sneeze. But I’m not complaining. While lying in savasana (which is a relaxation pose), I listen to the pounding of my heart, I feel the blood circulating through my veins, and I give thanks to finally having a healthy heart.

This week I’ve been thinking and reflecting on Kahlil Gibran’s excerpt from The Prophet, entitled “On Work“–particularly this passage:

You work that you may keep pace with the earth and the soul of the earth.
For to be idle is to become a stranger unto the seasons, and to step out of life’s procession, that marches in majesty and proud submission towards the infinite.

When you work you are a flute through whose heart the whispering of the hours turns to music.
Which of you would be a reed, dumb and silent, when all else sings together in unison?

Always you have been told that work is a curse and labour a misfortune.
But I say to you that when you work you fulfil a part of earth’s furthest dream, assigned to you when that dream was born,
And in keeping yourself with labour you are in truth loving life,
And to love life through labour is to be intimate with life’s inmost secret.

Returning to work makes me feel like I’m reconnecting with something larger than myself. While waiting to recover from my surgery, I was forced out of “life’s procession” for a bit, but the excitement and anticipation of returning to the projects, tasks, and people that I left behind further encouraged me to get well as soon as possible. Work certainly has its stresses and challenges, but the happiness and joy I receive in return far outweighs any negative aspects.

While I’m recovered enough to return to work, I’m not yet ready for yoga. Earlier this week I optimistically thought that I could go back today, but I woke up this morning in too much pain. Also, I don’t think that I can handle all the siting up and lying down that’s required in Bikram. Maybe next Saturday will be my first day back?

In any case, I believe that once I get back into the yoga room, the real healing will begin to happen. I will discover what this new heart valve can really do and I will re-learn to trust my body for the first time since I learned I would need the surgery. Months before the surgery, this tiny voice in the back of my head to constantly asked “are we ok? are we going to pass out? are we pushing it too hard? is my heart beating too fast? did my heart just palpitate?” I’m looking forward to putting this little voice to rest.

The good news is that I will be returning to work in about a week. I’m really looking forward to it! That same week, my sternum should be healed enough that I can go back to driving a car. And a week or two after that I hope I’ll be ready to return to yoga.

Besides reading and watching TV, another thing that I’ve been doing is eating a lot of good food. The reason for this is that our good friend Nic organized a schedule for us to receive three dinners a week from friends and colleagues. We’ve received lots of pasta dishes, soups, quiches, and more–all of it delicious! We have been so grateful for the dinners because it saves Dave (who has had to do all the household chores and is much more busy now that classes have begun) lots of time. It’s also been great to have more variety instead of our usual lineup of frozen pizza, pasta, and salads. And it’s great getting a steady stream of visitors. I had no idea that this many people would want to help us out and it has shown us that even though we’ve only been in Stockton for a year, we have found a very supportive and caring community.

Update: I have conquered the plateau. Yesterday–for the first time since the surgery–I was able to lift my arms over my head. I actually cried a bit out of relief/happiness! It hurt a bit, but in a good, haven’t-felt-those-muscles-in-forever kind of hurt.

On Friday, I went to UCSF for a follow-up visit with my cardiologist. He is really pleased with how the valve is doing; in fact, my right ventricle is already shrinking. In a few months my heart should resemble a normal heart for a woman my age. The cardiologist is optimistic that this valve could last as long as 20 years before it would need to be replaced with another valve (–this will be a less-invasive procedure than open heart surgery).

My mom keeps asking me if I’ve notice any signs that my heart is functioning better and honestly I haven’t felt much of a difference yet. My feet aren’t as cold as they normally are, which I suppose is a sign of improved circulation. But I think any differences I might see in terms of energy and stamina are blocked by the pain and discomfort and the fact that my body still needs lots of rest. I expect to notice an improvement eventually (especially once I’m able to return to work and yoga), but I realize it might take awhile.

My surgeon told me that several of his patients have reported that they didn’t realize the affects their poorly-functioning hearts had on not just their physical stamina, but on their emotional well-being as well. In fact, some of his patients report feeling less depressed and more happy after having surgery. Before this discussion with him, I hadn’t considered that happiness could be a positive outcome of the surgery. I’ve always thought of myself as happy, but if there’s more happiness to be had–I’ll take it!

However, I do wonder if this increase in happiness comes from a renewed perspective on life because this surgery is life-saving. It causes you to re-examine life and become more mindful. Throughout this entire process, I have tried to think of my heart issue and the surgery as teachers because they have helped me learn so much about my relationships, who I am, and how I handle scary situations. I am what one of my yoga teachers calls a “fighter,” which is both good and bad. It’s good because I have a lot of willpower and determination, but it can be bad because I have a tendency to want to control certain situations. Recovering from surgery has meant that I have had to calm my inner fighter and surrender control to my healing body. Thus far, I have learned a lot about having patience for myself and about asking people for help. So, while I haven’t personally noticed any major physical benefits, I am already experiencing benefits within, which could lead to greater happiness.

But what’s important about this pillow is that I press it against my chest when I stand up, walk around, or cough, it makes the incision feel a lot less painful. When we go out on walks or take a trip in the car, I shamelessly bring along my pillow. It’s like my security blanket. Thanks Take Heart!

Here’s a photo of me with my pillow:

I’m not able to lift my arms above my shoulders and I can’t lift, push, or pull more than a few pounds at a time. So, Dave has had to wash and dry my hair, dress me, and pick up anything I drop on the floor (I’m a little clumsy). I need help getting comfortable and getting up when I’m lying in bed because I’m not allowed to use my arms and abs without risking injury to my incision, sutures from the chest tubes, and sternum. It’s been very humbling to rely on someone to do things for me that I normally don’t even think about.

My parents came to visit this week and they kept me moderately busy. They bought us groceries, prepared meals, and did household chores. I even felt good enough to go out for dinner to our favorite Mexican place and visit with my great aunt and her family in Sacramento. Seeing my parents was wonderful and kept my spirits high.

The cats have been behaving pretty good–they haven’t jumped on me. While I’m not sure if they understand that there’s something wrong with me, they do seem a bit more cuddly than usual. I’m not complaining!

This week I’ve been thinking a lot about the things I’m grateful for. Among many other things, I’m especially grateful for Dave who has taken such good, loving care of me. I’m grateful to have good health insurance. And I’m grateful for my healing body. While I sometimes get frustrated because my doesn’t work or feel the way I want it to, it’s amazing to witness firsthand the ways it is healing itself.

Dave and I got to San Francisco on Sunday since my pre-op appointment was early the next morning. We went to the Picasso exhibit at the DeYoung Museum and ate yummy burritos for dinner–all in an effort to somewhat distract ourselves from the difficult week ahead.

On Monday I got chest x-rays taken and blood drawn. We met with the surgeon, anesthesiologist, and nurse practitioner. After meeting everyone–especially the surgeon–Dave and I felt better about the operation. My surgeon told me that he’s done this type of surgery hundreds of times with a success rate of 99%. Even so, after spending the day at the hospital was over, I was feeling very anxious.

Monday evening was filled with more happy distractions. Dave’s mom flew in from Nevada and we had a lovely dinner with close family friends in Oakland. When we got back to the hotel room, I did a bit of yoga to loosen up my mind and body. Also, I did my last guided imagery exercise and we tried to get a bit of sleep.

Tuesday morning we dragged ourselves out of bed at 5:30am. I showered and washed my hair for what I knew would be the last time in awhile. And we headed over to the hospital. From there, everything went quickly. They sat us in a waiting room and my name was called about 5 minutes later. A nurse helped me with last minute things and the anesthesiologist came to give me my IV. I said goodbye to Dave and he gave me one last big squeeze. And then they wheeled me out to the OR.

The next thing I knew I was waking up in the pediatric cardiology ICU. I had expected to have some deep profound thought either going under anesthesia or during the operation, but there was nothing. The operation lasted about 4 hours and they turned my heart off for about an hour.

The first few hours in the ICU were a blur. Various people filtered in and out. Dave and his mom sat at my bedside. I had a breathing tube in my mouth, which bothered and confused me because I wanted to breathe on my own and so I fought with it for a bit until I gave up and just let it do it’s thing. I was in a bit pain, but they quickly gave me morphine through my IV, which helped immediately.

A few hours later it was time to take out the breathing tube. This was incredibly uncomfortable and it caused me to cough (ouch!)–it felt like I could easily rip my chest back open. Once I recovered from the breathing tube extraction, I was able to talk and breathe on my own. Unfortunately I couldn’t drink any fluids for hours until they were sure I wouldnt vomit. This was agonizing because I was so thirsty and my throat felt so sore. They did swab my mouth out with gauze full of “baby water.” The first cup of water the nurse finally let me have was the best cup of water I’ve ever had.

The next day, my nurse greeted me by saying that this day will be the hardest one because they needed to get me moving. I began to eat solid food, although my appetite was minuscule. They got me to sit up, stand up, and sit in a chair. This actually wasn’t too hard because I just needed to rely on the power of my legs. My doctors came in to visit and told me I was actually ready to be transferred out of the ICU, but there weren’t any beds available.

It wasn’t until the next day (Thursday) until they found a bed for me and I was moved out of the ICU. I shared space with two other patients, but at least we were separated by screens. The space was a bit cramped, but I got a lovely view of San Francisco from my room. By Thursday, I was taking a walk down the hall, with the help of a nurse and Dave. My appetite was growing and tubes and machinery started going away. On Friday I received a delightful mini mani-pedi by my mother-in-law and her friend Francesca.

But I still had my chest tubes. These three tubes were draining excess fluid out of my heart and lungs. And they were incredibly uncomfortable–almost more uncomfortable than the incision down my chest. And the doctors wouldn’t let them come out until Saturday. Getting the tubes out wasn’t as bad as the breathing tube, but it was really weird and uncomfortable. Once they came out, I instantly felt freer.

During my entire stay, I was staying with pediatric patients. It wasn’t too bad, but we heard a lot of babies crying during the night and the nurses kept calling Dave “dad.” On the plus side, we had access to an endless supply of juice and chocolate milk.

On Sunday I was discharged and Dave drove us home to Stockton. Thus far, the doctors have declared the surgery a success and the valve is doing its job. My subsequent follow-up visits will give us a better idea of how well the valve is working. I can’t say whether or not I notice a difference with the new valve, but my feet are definitely not as cold anymore!

Our overall experience at UCSF was very positive. The doctors and nurses were compassionate, caring, and attentive.

Again, I wanted to say thanks for all your thoughts, messages, and prayers. They all meant and continue to mean a great deal to me. Stay tuned for my upcoming posts on how recovery is going.

There are hundreds of scientific studies examining the affect that guided imagery has on patients undergoing surgical procedures. Generally, these studies have found that doing guided imagery before and after surgery helps with the procedure itself as well as the recovery process. Additionally, guided imagery has been shown to help with bleeding at the incision and with the pain during recovery. (Side note: being the good librarian that I am I wanted to reference specific studies with evidence that guided imagery is beneficial to surgical patients, but I ran out of time. So you’re just going to have to take my word for it!)

After doing a bit of research, I decided to purchase the CD “Preparing for Surgery: Guided Imagery Exercises for Relaxation and Accelerated Healing” by Martin Rossman. What I like about Rossman’s imagery exercises is that there isn’t any annoying music in the background, the dialog is very straightforward and clear, and there are separate exercises for before, the day of, and after the surgery. The exercises have already me feel much more prepared and relaxed about the operation.

I’m certainly interested in other alternative ways to help me prepare and recover from surgery, so if you have any ideas, please share!

I’ve been compiling a stash of reading materials to keep my brain occupied while I’m in the hospital and recovering at home. Here’s a pic of all of them:

In case you can’t make out all the titles, they are (in no particular order):

• The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins. This is a young adult trilogy, which should be an easy-to-read page turner. (Thanks Paul!)
• The Open Heart Companion: Preparation and Guidance for Open-Heart Surgery Recovery by Maggie Lichtenberg. I already read this book a couple weeks ago, but I will definitely be consulting it again. (Thanks Paul!)
• A Visit from the Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan. This novel about a former punk rocker and record executive just won the Pulitzer Prize. I think I’ll save it for a few weeks after the surgery when my brain is working a bit better.
• Buddha’s Brain: the Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love & Wisdom by Rick Hanson. Should be an interesting read about how meditation and mindfulness affects the brain.
• The Journey Home: Autobiography of an American Swami by Radhanath Swami.
• Bikram Yoga by Bikram Choudhury.

Now my question for you is, do you have any suggestions for what I could read while recovering? I prefer something that’s not too dark or depressing and not too difficult to read. Also, I’m gladly taking suggestions for audiobooks as well.

I could go on and on (and on) about the benefits of yoga and how much I love it. I’ve practiced yoga for about 7 years now, but I only started Bikram Yoga about a year ago. Bikram is a style of yoga that is practiced in a 105 degree room for 90 minutes. It consists of the same 26 postures in every class. It’s sweaty, intense, and incredible. This kind of yoga is certainly not for everyone, but after fully committing myself to this practice, I now feel stronger and more flexible than I ever have in my life.

There are many ways that this yoga practice is preparing me for surgery. First of all, there is always an element of discomfort–whether it’s in holding a pose, dealing with the heat, or fighting against the negative thoughts in your head. Each yoga class is a physical and mental challenge and is thus training me for the larger challenge of recovering from surgery. Second, yoga (and especially Bikram Yoga) focuses on backward bending. At my studio there is a Back-bending Club that I’ve joined this summer. Each day I do a few extra backbends and I’ve been amazed at how much flexibility and strength I’ve gained in my spine and sternum. While I have no biological proof of this, I am hoping that having a strong, flexible sternum will make it easier for the surgeon to operate and for me to recover. Third, my yoga practice has greatly reduced my stress level. It allows me to put things into perspective and see the bigger picture.

Again, I could go on and on about my love of yoga, but I think I’ll stop for now. I am hoping that once my incision has healed enough, practicing Bikram will play a significant role in my recovery.